Musings by Richard Powers
Sketchy Guys
This is a touchy topic because I don't want to speak dismissively of anyone who loves to dance. However it's an important topic to many women who complain about "sketchy guys" at dances, so that makes it worth discussing.
What is a sketchy guy?
OK, that's a sexist term. So let's say that any woman who acts this way is a "sketchy girl." But somehow we see more males than females behaving this way on the dance floor.
A sketchy guy is...
1) Any man who is physically or emotionally rough with his partner, with a controlling attitude.
As you already know from reading this page, a good lead knows and cares what is comfortable for his partner. He cares what is pleasurable or fun for her, as opposed to just showing off, or using her as an accessory to his ego.
A considerate man dances for his partner's ability and comfort; sketchy guys don't.
A good lead clearly suggests an option, which is different from controlling her. He proposes, not prescribes,
a certain way of moving to his partner. If his partner does not go with his proposal (does not 'follow'), he
adapts to her motion instead of exerting more power to press her to accept the proposal.
But guys, don't be so afraid of seeming sketchy that your leads become wimpy. Leads are physical, and your partner depends on clear leads. If the
physicality of the lead/follow connection is on a scale of one-to-ten, avoid 0 and 1 (wimpy); avoid 9 and 10 (physically rough).
2) A man who corrects his partner.
Have you ever danced with one of these guys? Often the first thing he does when he begins a dance is correct his partner! "You're doing it wrong.
You have to do it this way." Yikes!
The clear message to most women is that he's doing this to exert absolute control at the beginning of their dance. It's his way of establishing dominance,
saying in effect, "This is NOT a conversation and you don't have a voice when dancing with me, so shut up and do as you're told."
To be fair, this may not be his actual intent. Maybe his teacher gave him the misguided impression that he should correct his partners if they dance differently from the Only One Way he knows. But regardless of his intent, a correcting attitude feels
disrespectful to her, so men be forwarned that she may reasonably not want to dance with you again.
This correcting attitude is usually either (A) antisocially pedantic 
or (B) it
demonstrates his inexperience, showing her that he only knows one way to dance (or only one style, or one kind of dance hold/frame).
If he
thinks, "Oh I know other ways, but I think they're all wrong," then he's the first version, antisocially pedantic. See
Fred Astaire's advice on flexibly adapting to your partner's differences.
An only-one-way attitude is also unrealistic. How can anyone not understand that dancers come in different shapes, sizes and experience? Each partner has had different
teachers. Or maybe they just picked up dancing on the fly, by diving in and seeing what works. Different doesn't mean wrong. When someone has a different style
from your own, try to find ways to make dancing functional, friendly, fun and social.
Women aren't exempt from this consideration. When a woman exhibits a correcting attitude, it's just as bad as when a man does it.
Exceptions: Correcting is okay of it's to let one's partner know if they're hurting you, "driving dangerously" on the dance floor, or if your
partner actually asks you for advice or feedback. Some dancers do request feedback and help from their partners, so if your partner requests
feedback, then yes, it's fine and even appreciated.
3) A man who tries to pick up a woman on the dance floor.
It's smart to assume that women come to a dance to dance, not to find a date. If there's an exception, she'll find a way to let you know, but the default assumption is that she came to have fun dancing.
a) Don't ask her for a date (unless she initiates or hints at it).
b) Don't ask the same woman for several dances unless she lets you know she wants more dances with you.
c) If she says no to a dance, then no means no. Period. Don't pester her.
Some scenes may be exceptions to this. Some salseros have told me that their salsa club is essentially a pick-up club, and that everyone going there knows
this. OK, if that's the understanding at a dance, fine. But the inviolable part of this section is: if she says no, respect her wishes
and don't pester her.
4) Stinky guys (and women).
It's amazing that some people haven't learned the essential social skill of hygiene. Always shower, wear clean clothes, brush your teeth and use deodorant before going out dancing, including to dance classes. And if you tend to get really sweaty, you get huge bonus points for bringing a second dry shirt to change into halfway through the dance.
Women, please don't wear perfumes (or colognes for men) to a social dance. Most people don't consider it very sociable, and some have allergies to fragrances.
"Sketchy" isn't a textbook definition, so opinions about the term vary. Some people consider stinky dancers sketchy, while others say, "No, it's not sketchy, it's just disgusting." OK, but either way it's not a good thing.
Who isn't a sketchy guy?
1) My pet peeve is a few undergrad students who call a grad student "sketchy" simply because he's a few years older. No, being a different age doesn't
make someone sketchy, especially if he's a good dancer and an attentive, respectful partner. See this new page about
why this happens so much.
2) A man or woman with "emerging social skills" isn't necessarily sketchy. Everyone has to learn somewhere. If you don't know how to respond to
someone's social awkwardness, err on the side of patience and encouragement. They will appreciate your kindness more than you realize!
Bottom line:
In an age of increasing divisiveness, we should try to be more tolerant and accepting of differences of any kind. But roughness, criticism, disrespect and predatory behavior are sketchy, and aren't welcome at a social dance.
More thoughts and musings